Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Opinion: My big fat fatkini moment.

It's summer. I wish someone would alert the weather gods who look after the UK of that fact, but yes, despite appearances, it is in fact summer. Some of you will no doubt be heading off on your holidays and if you're anything like me will be overpacking, then having to make the ever crushing decision as to which outfits will have to stay behind, never to meet their sunny destiny.  

Packing nightmare.

Myself, the hubs and the baby headed to Portugal this year for a week in the beautiful Algarve. I packed the usual mix of kaftans, maxi dresses and swimsuits as I do every year. This year, and last for that matter, I decided to take a bikini. 

My relationship with the bikini is a new one. It wasn't until I started blogging, had I even considered wearing one. Not because I was bothered particularly about being a fat lady in a bikini but more so because I just hadn't thought to wear one. I was quite happy in my one piece. Bikini's were never readily available in my size, so it was just never an option. 

Then came along the 'fatkini' revolution. Slowly but surely hot chubby chicks started donning their 'fatkinis' and taking pictures for all the internet to see. Great I thought! I want me some of that action. So off I trotted to ASOS and bought my first one. I tried it on and instantly felt empowered. Yes! I thought. Fuck you society! But my FU attitude was a little premature. There we were on the beach in Kos last year, my whole week ruined by the crippling PMS I was suffering, I found myself hating   me and everyone around me. I would sit and cry of an evening once Poppy was in bed, angry at myself because despite being incredibly fortunate to be holidaying on the idyllic Greek islands I couldn't see through the fog. So when it came to donning my fatkini, I just felt insecure and miserable. It wasn't everything I'd hoped it would be. I didn't look glamourous or 'fierce' I just looked a bit crap. Correction, I felt crap, I looked perfectly normal. 

Smiling through the sadness.


So when we headed to Portugal this year, I thought, you know what? I'm feeling fabulous, I want to give my fatkini moment another go. So there on the beach I'm frolicking with Poppy, swimming in the ocean and having an all-round fabulous time in my two-piece. Great! 

Making memories.


I got Michael to take pictures of me on the sand. Perfect I thought. So when I got back I'm flicking through the pics on the camera and there I am bedecked in my fatkini standing defiantly on the beach. Did I feel proud? Or empowered? Honestly? No. It was just a picture of a fat chick in a bikini. I looked like the mum of one in her mid-thirties that I am. I haven't got long flowing locks, or a sizzling hourglass figure. I'm not covered in beautiful tattoos or styled to within an inch of my life. I'm just me. 

Just me.

Would I have been more comfortable in a swimsuit? Probably. You see I'm actually quite a modest person. Nothing to do with size, but more just me, that's my personal aesthetic. I love trousers and jumpsuits and long dresses. I like the feeling of being encapsulated. I sleep in pyjamas every night without fail, because that's comfortable for me. 

Feeling oh-so more fabulous in a one piece.

Was it brave of me to run around that beach wearing a bikini? Maybe. Any time a fat woman does anything visible like playing sports, or wearing a loud outfit, or even walking down the street with her head held high, it is pretty cool, because let's face it, society would still have us locked away somewhere wearing a black sack if they could, only to emerge when we'd lost weight and "started taking care of ourselves". But I know that deep down, I'd actually just be more comfortable in a swimming costume, because that's what I like. I'm still going to run around the beach and swim in the ocean and lay on a sun lounger looking every inch of fabulous. I'm just going to do it my way. 

I did it my way.


When it comes to hitting the beach this summer, don't feel pressured into being a certain way, or looking a certain way. I say have fun. Make some memories. Embrace your figure and don't let it stop you doing anything, but do it in a way that makes you feel great. There's a certain pressure attached to being plus size at the moment. We seem to be getting it from all angles. The anti-fat posse will tell you gross things like 'cover up' and 'dress for the body you have', which we all know is bullshit, but then on the other side we get the whole 'be confident!' 'Show the world how proud you are'. Which is great, but there is no set criteria or rules on how to do that. 

I say... find your favourite version of you and enjoy it. 



6 comments:

  1. Thanks Becky ,good post - I'm a 47 year old lady who is very much a I'll wear a swimsuit and thats it.
    I hear what people say re it empowers them to wear a bikini, thats great and I'm happy for them but its not for me.
    I'm already out of my comfort zone in purchasing a swimsuit for my hols so think that will do for me at the moment.
    Do I feel empowered in my cossie - no not really I';ll just be another fabbly women on the beach :0)

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  2. Such wise words. I don't think I'd feel comfortable in a bikini now I'm so overweight, but I am going start going swimming in a swimsuit that I feel comfortable in.

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  3. Well said Becky. The choice is there to wear one or not, but whatever you're comfortable in is what you're going to have the biggest grin wearing. xx

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  4. I really love this post as I really believe that all that really matters is feeling good or comfortable in yourself, whether that means covering up or bareing all. So well said!

    C xx
    http://curvygirlthin.blogspot.co.uk

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  5. It took me 6 months to find a swim suit that fitted me, because I'm tall and fat. Having succeeded, I'm sticking with that little (expensive) beauty come what may, and when it dies from over use, I will cry.

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  6. It took me 6 months to find a swim suit that fitted me, because I'm tall and fat. Having succeeded, I'm sticking with that little (expensive) beauty come what may, and when it dies from over use, I will cry.

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Thank you for your comment, I love reading what everyone has to say! B x