Friday, 10 January 2014

Wobbles are inevitable...

Last night I was laid in bed. My stomach was churning. Not in the usual way. It wasn't nerves or a tummy bug. It was the same routine I go through every night, it's hard to explain but its a bit like this... excruciatingly loud gurgles, a wringing kind of pain that feels like my stomach is contracting and fluctuating. 

Some of you will know, and I have talked abut this a lot, but nearly 7 years ago now I had a gastric bypass. I weighed around 24 stone and was a size 32. I was age 27 at the time and more than  anything, I desperately wanted to be thin. 

A Month before the op

I had suffered from eating disorders. I had been on an endless cycle of diets, gruelling exercise regimes, diet pills, legal and illegal, but nothing had made the impact I wanted it to. Sure, I'd lost a couple of stone here and there but it was never enough. I'd either lose heart, lose will or have some kind of mental health crisis that would cause me to begin over eating again. 

2 Days after my op
The operation was successful, I had no complications and began to lose weight rapidly. I'd lost 4 stone within 2 months and then carried on losing around half a stone every month until I'd got down to around 16.5 stone and a size 20. Great right?! Yep sure, I had a better pick of clothes and places to shop. The seatbelt on the plane fit me and my arse was less fearful of chairs with arms, but in terms of my health and mental state? I was and still am a massive mess. 

First up... I wasn't skinny, in my head I was going to be a size 12, I was going to be "normal" but the weight loss just stopped. I was still restricted by what I ate, I was still exercising, but that was it, nothing, I stayed the same weight. The crushing disappointment and feeling of complete failure was unbearable. I couldn't even get that right. Stupid fat, useless Becky does it again, can't even lose weight even when I'd been cut open and re-jigged. The same self loathing I felt before the op was back but with a vengeance. Secondly the physical side effects, the constant (sorry graphic) diarrhoea, excess skin, massive vitamin deficiency. I lost all confidence in who I was, the way I felt, my sex drive disappeared, I left job after job because I felt I wasn't good enough to do the work. 

Probably the thinnest I've ever been. Size 20.

I had reached a point where I was starting to skip meals, force my food back up and was drinking way too much alcohol of an evening. I was a mess, I was lonely. Michael was working long hours. Poppy was only one years old and wasn't sleeping. I was exhausted and mentally, I was at breaking point. I'd been using social media to help with the loneliness, somewhere to vent and speak to people, when I stumbled upon blogs like Claire and Lauren's. To say they saved my life might be a tad dramatic, but to say they changed my life certainly isn't. They reignited my love for fashion, they gave me the swift slap around the face I needed in terms of my self perception, and my perception of fat. They made me realise all bodies are good bodies and that it is perfectly ok, more than ok, to be comfortable in your body and live your life any way you want to. 

You kind of know the rest, but what I'm getting round to, is that last night, the stomach stuff really upset me, I was sobbing my heart out, cursing the operation, wishing I'd never bothered with it. Frantically scouring the internet to see if there was a way to help with the constant stomach noises and pain. After some lovely friends comforted me and Michael talked me down I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I guess I what I want to say is... We all have wobbles, we all have regrets and can be incredibly hard on ourselves. I needed to remind myself to be kind, to stop going over everything in my mind. It is what it is. I can't change the past. 

Be the absolute best version of you, you can be right now. Seize every single day and opportunity. Love, laugh and live. We only get one shot.



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11 comments:

  1. I hadn't read your story and didn't know about the op. But can relate to the feelings of failure and hating yourself. I'm still on this journey but a lot further forward thanks to you. You are my inspiration and even now when today is a bad day I am blessed by your honesty. Thank you for being you.

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  2. It's heartbreaking to read of your pain and self-hatred Becky, because you're a gorgeous, rad and uber fashionable blogger star - I wish it was easy to just remove someone's bad thoughts but I know too that it's a huge mental step to overcome and one that takes years and years, and probably doesn't ever get 'fully' mended! All the same, I truly think you're one of the most stylish, genuine and likeable people I've 'met' through twitter and I really really hope you find something to cure your tummy troubles, even if its just temporary. I love that bolded quote at the end of your post, that really is the meaning of a happy life and something that we could all do with remembering a little bit more.

    Thank you for inspiring words, and your confidence in posting this - it can't have been easy, but it does well to get it all out every now and then!

    Much love, Sarah Elizabeth xx

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  3. This is the first time I have seen your blog and your post made me well up. You're so right we do all need to be kinder to ourselves and seize every single day and opportunity. I am the worst candidate when it comes to beating myself up over my weight. I have never been small, or at least thats how I feel, at my biggest I was around 15/16 stone (dont know exactly as I refused to weigh myself after I got to 15) and at my biggest as size 18/20. I did manage to lose the weight and some of the burden that caused it, but I have never ever lost the mental feeling of never being good enough or never looking pretty enough or thin enough, even on my wedding day, I look back at some of the pictures with absolute hate because I didnt try hard enough.

    I think you have done amazingly well, with the op and recovering and the subsequent weightloss, you should be proud of yourself.

    Thank you for posting this and making us realise that actually the number on the scale or the dress label really arent the things that matter.

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  4. My Mother in law had a gastric bypass years ago, and she has found out the exact same thing, she's just not going to be skinny! She's around a size 18 and has a very restricted diet intake, supplemented by masses of vitamins as her body cannot take in all that you need to sustain life through diet. She doesn't regret her operation as she believes she would be dead by now if she hadn't had it, but she thought it would be a miracle cure for everything, and it isn't.
    You look amazing, and I know that the side effects of what you went through will always get to you at times, but you should take comfort and pride in how far you have come, both mentally and physically and how much you've helped and inspired other women through your brilliant blog xx

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  5. You are amazing.
    You are beautiful.
    You are inspiring.
    I'm crying & want to give you the biggest hug ever xx

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  6. I forgot to tick the notification box!

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  7. I can completely relate. I had mine 3 years ago and it has been a rollercoaster. Ive got down to a 18/20 and 14.2-14.6 and cannot lose anymore weight. My outlet has stretched so my stomach is fully empty after 20 minutes so I am always hungry, which is a nightmare. My surgeon wanted to fix it but the NHS refused - I knew something was wrong 6 weeks out but they just put it down to my body getting used to it. After fighting it for 2 years they finally gave me tests and it showed the problem. There are days when I totally regret it, especially when the horrible side effects strike. Big hug hun you are not on your own xoxo

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  8. This is an immensely brave post and I love your candour. I wish I could do something to take away the pain, but will have to make do with internet squidges. The things we do to ourselves - mentally and physically - to fit in, to be smaller, to stop the 'obesity epidemic!' bullshit we are subjected to everyfuckingday, it's so sad, and we all do it. How I wish (with all my heart) that health was measured on strength, flexibility, resilience and all those good things which AREN'T based on size and weight. We live in a society where looking weak, helpless and emaciated is a good thing. Isn't that the most fucked up thing ever?!

    This is an especially brave post right now because the world friggin' world is obsessed with dieting right now. Please can be zoom to March when the mania has ended? Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig hugs. x x x

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  9. You know how much of a difference you (and the community) made to my life. I'm beginning to love myself again and I can empathise with your wobbles... Last night I tried on a larger size pair of jeans and couldn't fit into them. I cried. I ate cheese.I sulked.
    But that doesn't deter from how amazing I feel most days.

    You are gorgeous, you are amazing and you are making a difference.


    xxxx

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  10. Love this post, it's really helped me. I went on a pretty strict diet because I wanted to be able to fit into more clothes and I managed to do well. I got to my goal of a size 16 which most stores stock so I was happy, briefly. The problems came when I couldn't maintain my weight and it started to go back on. I felt like a failure and loathed myself more than when I was heavier. I developed a pretty serious eating disorder and pushed away the people I loved.

    I feel very lucky now because I have a supportive boyfriend who encourages me to focus on health and wellbeing and not weight. I'm hoping to spend 2014 focusing no the future and not dwelling on my weight xx

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Thank you for your comment, I love reading what everyone has to say! B x